The best time to introduce yourself to neighbors is before a conflict arises, says Lady Trenette Wilson, an etiquette expert in Dallas. But if you missed your chance and now need to raise a problem, it’s not too late to establish some goodwill in the process.
First, make sure you’re calm. “You definitely want to breathe, and just kind of catch yourself because you can be so angry that it can come off as rude,” Wilson says. “You want to be friendly with them and open with them, and introduce yourself.” She suggests starting out with something casual, like “It sounds like you all had a real good time last night.”
Getting to know your neighbors might also change your perspective on their situation. If a family recently brought home a baby or adopted a rescue dog, for instance, you may feel more empathetic toward them. Ask questions to get a better sense of what’s going on. If they’re remodeling, ask how long it’s expected to take. Perhaps you can accept some disruption if there’s an end in sight. Or, if the offending noise is coming from an ordinary activity, such as mowing the lawn or practicing a musical instrument, maybe you can compromise on a less disruptive time for your neighbor to do it.
Either way, how you communicate can make a difference. Psychologists sometimes define assertive communication as direct and honest, but respectful. Your body language might include eye contact, a straight posture and relaxed gestures. And keep the conversation focused on the issue at hand.
“Attack the issue, not the neighbor,” says Michael Wood-Lewis, the co-founder and CEO of Front Porch Forum, an online platform for helping neighbors connect in Vermont.
What you should not do, Wood-Lewis says, is take to Facebook or Nextdoor, or a forum like the one he runs, to complain about an individual and turn others against them. “Many of our big tech social platforms are specifically designed to increase engagement, and nothing increases engagement like people fighting with each other,” he says. “So they’re designed not for peaceful outcomes, but quite the opposite.”
And if at first you don’t succeed, try and try again. If the noise continues after your first conversation, Wilson recommends talking to your neighbor again … and one more time after that. Basically, you’re giving them every opportunity to solve the problem before involving a third party.
But if you’re still struggling after three attempts, it may be time to escalate.
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